Dec 6 2009

my sunday afternoon

Fuck the Raiders.  Fuck the ***skins.  Fuck Dan Snyder.  Fuck the Just Us League.  Fuck Dabysan.  And fuck Cap’n fucking Crunch.  I hate football and I got a lotta anger to spread around.

[UPDATE: Okay, so the Saints held on and managed to keep my Monday from being utterly miserable.  But you know what?  Fuck the ***skins anyway.]

Oct 19 2009

i didn’t even know he had a new book out

I think a lot about why I like football so much.  Seriously, I do.  On the surface it doesn’t make any sense to me at all.  None of anything that happens in the NFL on any given Sunday has any bearing on my day-to-day life.  And yet, I was just a little bit happier yesterday because my Steelers won and their division rival Bengals and Ravens both lost.  I was pleased that the Saints won and the ***skins lost, even though neither game directly affected my specific rooting interest.  (Unless, of course, you count “spite” among my rooting interests. That had a little to do with my reveling in that Skins loss.  And, oh yeah – ask me how the Toledo Maroons fared.)  There’s really no way to rationally explain why watching my team win the Super Bowl – at the Super Bowl – will always rank among the very best moments of my life.  Or so I thought.

I’m not going to say Chuck Klosterman’s explanation is perfect, but it’s the best one I have ever read.  And whatever is second isn’t close.  If only everything ever written about football could be this good, all the time, always….  Including my lame-ass blog post.

Aug 23 2009

almost like real football

A couple hours ago, I was hobbling out of FedEx Field wearing my Polamalu jersey.  A gentleman walking next to me said, "Meaning no disrespect, that's kind of symbolic, isn't it?"  "What is?" I asked, and he gestured toward my crutches.  I could hardly believe it.  "These?  It's symbolic I'm physically limping out of here after a preseason loss?"

In hindsight, I guess I understand a little bit better.  For the Steelers, this was just a normal preseason football game.  The starters played a quarter and hoped they didn't get hurt.  Sixty other guys battled for what will amount to maybe five open spots on the team.  The vanilla game plan was designed less to put points on the board than to avoid giving nothing away.  But for the ***skins this was the most important game of their season.  This was their Super Bowl, since there's no chance they will make it to the real one.  And yes, the ***skins and their fans can say they beat the World Champions.  Congrats, ***skins fans.  I hope this hollow victory is some comfort in January.

fedex field in the raintailgating in the raincornhole in the rain

pregame warmup in the raintaking the field in the raintroy polamalu is in there somewhere

I wasn't quite as psyched as I should have been for this game.  It started pouring here about a half-hour before my ride was to pick me up, and it continued raining heavily all the way to the stadium.  But as it turned out, we were pretty lucky with the weather.  Or as lucky as is possible given an 80% chance of thunderstorms.  The rain halted as we pulled into the parking lot, and during the respite, we were able to get our tent and grill set up.  It began raining again at about the time we started the burgers cooking, and continued until shortly after we found our seats.  And then it was fine for the rest of the game until final two-minute warning.  Things definitely could have been worse.

defensetouchdown!the zoom on my phone wasn't working

two minute warningben and coach tomlincheerleaders.  heroes.

Our seats were in the fourth row from the field at the five yard line.  They weren't the best for actually watching  football, but they were outstanding for watching the ***skins cheerleaders.  Which reminds me – I'd like to introduce yinz to the new lady in my life.  Her name is Sheridan.  We met in the third quarter.  I've never believed in love at first sight, but she swears that's what she felt when she saw me in the stands.

sheridan struts her stuffsheridan posessheridan! yay!

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Aug 15 2009

everybody wants to be a steeler

Some are just a little more overt about it.

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Nov 12 2008


Well, well….  It looks like certain Voxers are less than amused with our disparaging remarks about the Washington Racists yesterday, and are determined to exact revenge in a most juvenile manner.  Let's recap: the fantasy football team managed by us is the Toledo Maroons.  Dabysan manages the Fluffy Bunnies and is also the most unscrupulous commissioner in the history of fantasy football.  (Cappy is the brain-trust responsible for perennial cellar-dweller Manulio's 'Lectro P-awn, but he's not relevant to this particular discussion.)

The mighty Maroons – who are defending their Just Us League Championship – have had an off year.  They've been plagued by injuries early and started slowly.  But they're on a three-game winning streak and hope to climb back into the playoff picture.  The Bunnies – on the other hand – are reeling.  They've lost approximately ten straight games because their owner is a jackass who doesn't know the first thing about football.  But apparently he's got somebody feeding him information, because he does seem to know enough to block waiver wire selections that aren't to his advantage.  Why the first choice on this week's waiver wire was not granted to the team by which he was first selected may never be known.  But it's awfully fishy that the very same player wound up on the roster of the league commissioner.  Very fishy, indeed.

And wouldn't you know our consolation prize would be a Washington ***skin.  We'd be tempted to drop him tomorrow if he wasn't the best player on that sorry franchise.  Oh, and lest you think this is an isolated incident, Dabysan has already attempted to weasel out of certain aspects of our wager on the outcome of last Monday's game.  This shameful chicanery is almost enough to convince us to re-evaluate our position and support Jodi in the 52P52W Challenge.  Almost.

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Nov 11 2008


Apparently no longer content just with racism and gouging its fans,
the NFL's most despicable franchise announced today that it intends to
supplement its reprehensible behavior with a new disgusting tactic:
theft.  The Washington Post's DC Sports Bog [sic] has all the shameful details.

in a move startling both for its timeliness and its originality, 50,000
burgundy ESPN980 towels will be handed out on Sunday night, 50,000
apparently being the estimated number of Redskins fans who will be on

I understand the ***skins' dilemma.  Really, I do. 
Like most of the population of the nation's capital, their fanbase is
transient and fleeting.  That rare life-long ***skin fan you may meet believes the Dallas Cowboys to be his mortal enemy, while the Cowboy fanbase (as it were) offers a collective shrug
So you got your less dedicated selling their tickets to the fans of
your biggest "rival" who are more pre-occupied with whether the
Longhorns will beat the Sooners and don't give two shits about football
on Sunday…. I can see why that would be tough to swallow.  And I can
see why a team might choose under those circumstances to steal ideas
from one of the most beloved and successful franchises of all time.  Like I said, I understand.  But it's still really goddamn lame.

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Nov 9 2008

victory lap

This past week was a big one – one for which we had been waiting for
four long years.  I don't think it's an overstatement to say that the
contest pitted crusaders for all that is good and just against forces
of unmitigated evil.  Joyous celebrations spontaneously erupted all
over this great land when righteousness prevailed.  And then the very
next night there was an election that also turned out pretty swell.

Last Monday, the Pittsburgh Steelers defeated the Washington ***skins at FedEx Field.  I was there.  But there was more at stake than just a football game.  There are bragging rights.  You see, Dabysan
is a life-long ***skins fan, and we had a little bet on the game.  Per
the conditions of our wager, Daby now has to sing a song of my choosing on a public stage at a to-be-determined karaoke venue.

We both knew going into the bet that
the stakes favored Daby.  He has never been one to shy away from the
spotlight.  In fact, he thrives on it.  (This is why he needed a down
year from the usual suspects to win the KttD crown,
and why he will never again know such glory.)  It will be tough to
embarrass him.  I could, I suppose, select a song like "Sweet
Transvestite," but Daby has threatened without prompting in the past to
sing that on the grand KttD stage.  Or I could select a particularly
unctuous U2 song; Daby loves him some U2.  But the best
strategy seems to be the selection of a cloying and emasculated ballad.  The
leading contender is posted below, but I'm open to other suggestions.

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Nov 4 2008

23 – 6

My, that was fun.  At least it started to be fun in the second half.  Tonight was the first time I've ever seen the Steelers play a game that counts in person.  I'm just glad they didn't lose – as are the third of the crowd who were wearing black and gold.  This victory is especially sweet.  I'll have more fun commentary later, but now I've got to sleep and dream of a world where football teams with racist nicknames lose every game they play.

Hmmm,  what's this?  Why, it's a text message from Egypt.  Who do I know in Egypt….

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Nov 3 2008

here we go, steelers

I've been waffling on whether or not I want to see Zack and Miri Make a Porno.  On the one hand, I've liked Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks in just about everything in which I've ever seen them, and they are (or at least Rogen is) part of an unprecedented and welcome renaissance of film comedy.  Also, it was filmed in and takes place in Pittsburgh.  On the other hand, Kevin Smith is one of the worst things to happen to film in the past fifteen years.  And he totally wastes the comedic possiblities of setting his movie in Picksburgh.  I don't think I've ever seen any depiction at all of a yinzer outside of Western Pennsylvania, and this scene below would have been a perfect opportunity.  At the very least, at the end the Steeler fan should have preceded his "Go, Steelers!" with a "Here we…"

the missing yinzer

The Pittsburgh Steelers play their most important game since 2006 in just a few hours.  And I'm going to be there, doing Steeler Nation proud with my towel in my hand and my Bettis jersey on my back.  Here we go, Steelers!  Here we go!

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Apr 11 2008

steely mcbusted

This may shock you, but a lot of people in the highly cosmopolitan city of Picksburgh, Pennsylvania like to drink beer.  Sometimes, these distinguished urbanites even imbibe to excess.  I know!  Just like ordinary people – people like you and me!  I'm stunned too.  Anyway, it seems beloved local icon – celebrity, even – Steely McBeam is one of those jolly drunkards.  The poor guy was minding his own business, operating a motor vehicle down Carson Street on the South Side with a mere .173 blood alcohol level when he was hassled by the Man.  And now he's been fired.  There's no justice in this world.

Let's look past the obvious question of how the Steeler organization will be able to carry on next year on without Steely's stern jaw on the sidelines.  A man's livelihood is at stake.  The mills are all closed; he couldn't return to that life if he wanted.  His only option is to pursue mascotting opportunities in other, lesser, towns.  Coincidentally, I read in the paper this morning that ***skins owner Danny Snyder sent his private jet to western Pennsylvania.

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